Time to gab...

I have not felt very funny lately so I havent been posting!  I dont like my blogs to be boring, so when I go long periods of not writing, its because I cant find a way to spin anything funny into what's been going on around us.. :)

Just to clear the air, still no baby news/change..  Darn it..  I did go to my Dr and if I dont get pregnant this cycle, then I'll go in for a blood test to help determine my likely-hood of getting pregnant.  I tell you its not cuz we are being lazy about this whole process.  My friend said to wear this ring, it brings fertility..  well after 3 months and no go, the ring is back in the drawer.  She gave me a cross to place by my bed for good blessings.  I was told to buy the baby blanket we intend to bring little one home from the hospital in, well that's not working.  The blanket is hanging on my bed.. sigh.  I pee daily on sticks to determine when I might be ovulating, 3 months into that and no luck.  I now am taking my temperature, as that is supposed to tell me when I ovulate.. so we'll see.  I'm starting to finally get over the anxiety of it all and be a bit more relaxed about this process.  I had this imaginary clock looming over my head and was putting soooo much pressure on myself to hurry up and get it done already.. partially from depression of all that we went through and I actually really enjoyed the brief time I was pregnant.. not that I loved feeling crappy, but I loved that I was making a baby and my relationship with Derek took a new turn.

I have decided for now though, I'm going to start riding again.. when/if I ever find the time!  I had put it off, thinking I would get pregnant right away, plus to help relieve the financial burden we were full-leasing my horse to the neighbors.. but I need to ride as that helps me find peace and makes me happy.  So for now, I'll just ride and when things do move along, we'll decide from there how long I will ride for.  Must be happy!!

Derek was asked to judge a hunt test a few weeks ago over in Quilcene.  It was somewhat of a disaster of a weekend as far as the hunt test goes.. But we had a nice time camping with friends over there.  We only took Cooper, tented it, the weather was awesome and we had a fun time getting to know our Canadian hunt test friends and other hunt test peeps better.  Because the turn-out was low, we decided to run Cooper in a Seasoned test on Saturday.  Probably shouldnt have, but it was good practice I guess and gave us a better feel for exactly where he is at.  He failed of course!  lol  But he did much better than we thought.  His biggest issue is the birds still..  doesnt like to pick them up and refuses to deliver to hand.  Which means he drops them at your feet and will not pick it up..  Basically telling Derek "Hey I brought it back, reluctantly, what else you want from me??"  :)  At the Seasoned level, the dog has to deliver the bird to your hand, not the ground..  Oh well.    Derek's been taking him to the trainer Pat for weekly sessions.  And Pat has confirmed that the problem is not a discipline one with Cooper, it's still a major bird aversion/bad memory issue.  And it could take a year of working with birds to help him get over it..  Cooper will pick up Chukkar and Pheasant no problem, heck he wont let go of those birds, but Ducks are a big problem for him.

Not to dwell on the past, but we have heard from 2 sources in the past couple months, a story about our dog!  A very disturbing one at that...  We've learned that while Cooper was in training for the 3 months (which is the same training that darn near ruined our dog), apparently Cooper was so upset, that he bolted and disappeared for more than 24 hours!  And according to rumor, this happened twice!!  People have successfully kept this story from us for 3 years, but it has finally surfaced and although that is in the past, it still bothers me a great deal and at times, makes me pretty angry.  We paid this trainer $2000 for 3 months and we have a dog that 3 years later, still will not pick up a duck willingly.. and now find out our dog ran away...  phew that is a lot to process and accept!  So the solution, we now are spending min $30/week on birds, to help Cooper move forward.  We wont be able to afford that for long, so for now while we can, we are putting in as much training time as possible.   Because of all the work Derek has put in for Pat over the past 4 months, he is helping us out a great deal with Cooper and providing a lot of support.  Derek certainly didnt put in the work to get anything in return, he just enjoys being out on the property, farming with Pat and also working next to him and watching him train dogs, picking up on techniques etc.

Well Derek's unemployment ended exactly 4 weeks ago.. I was going into silent panic mode.. but that same day we got his last unemployment check, his previous employer called and wanted to hire him back.  They will only be open for another month (July 31st closing date), but for now, he has steady work with a pay increase to come back!  It helps, even if it only lasts for 2 months.  He did not get on with the Electrical Union, he was 29th out of 107.  Scored 98.8 however they only took in the top 18 and he is only down the list so far because the other guys have experience whereas he has none.  They will be re-interviewing the end of July, so there is still a chance he could get accepted then, but since he still will have no experience, chances seem slim.  He's been offered a position with Snohomish Electric, the company I used to work for LONG ago...  but the pay with them is only $10-$11/hr and I'm not sure we can swing that w/o loosing our house.

He keeps applying with Boeing, patience is the key I guess..  But not banking on them either.  He had an interview yesterday for a metal fabricator shop in Marysville.  I think they are looking for a working manager type position, he has a good chance of getting that job and with hopefully a decent pay offer.  It will be something for now and just play it by ear with the electrical.  I think neither of us anticipated this career change to be quite so challenging.  Every company out there wants experience, and those that will take him w/o, want to pay so low, it's just not feasible to make the transition.  So not sure what career path he will end up on, I just remind myself, either way.. we will be fine!!  Derek is not one to sit idly by, he works hard to ensure he's moving forward.

Edgar is off to his new home!  Since it didnt work out with Amber, I had to find a new home for him..  I think I found the perfect place.  He's over in Port Orchard with a gal named Sami.  She has 2 little girls and a husband.  She wanted a nice safe horse her kids could be around and her husband to ride occasionally.  She's a vet tech, so he has great care and a loving him.  I'm really happy about it and she seems to really love Edgar too..  I've even seen pictures of her husband riding him bareback with a halter.. perfect!!

I also spent a few weeks working on our garage.. It's been a thorn in my side for quite some time, years actually.  A project I've put off because I didnt know where to start.  Well one day I just started.  We had a path from the outside to the door into the house, everything else was covered with "stuff".  About 10 hours later I finished and can now park my car in the garage!!

 Oh and while I was at it, I cleaned/organized the shed too!!

This past weekend (Sunday) was our 18yr anniversary!  Woohoo..  2 more year until Hawaii..  right??  Not sure that we can make it happen, but in our "wealthy" life, the plan is to celebrate 20 years with a vacation to Hawaii.  :)  We didnt do anything special this year, we went to lunch, our friends came over to visit, we went to dinner, just another day..  exactly how we planned it.

On Friday night and Saturday day, I went with my friend Kim to watch a colt starting clinic out in Granite Falls.  4 horse trainers each are assigned one horse, a 2-5yr old, that has not previously been saddled or bridled.  They have (2) 1 hour sessions on Friday night.  Then (2) 45 minute sessions Saturday.  They then ride their horse through a minor obstacle course in the arena..  ground poles, ride over a tarp, weave through poles, rope a barrel, drag a log and then walk/trot/lope the arena and of course stop. 

There were 3 Quarter Horses and 1 Mustang.   The mustang was being worked with by a 70yr old man named Larry, who was working at a much slower pace than the other trainers.  His method was more along the lines of a "horse whisperer" type method, concentrating on trying to "connect" to his horse and bond with his horse, vs getting on, desensitizing and riding!  He actually had the horse that seemed to be the most care free about desensitizing.. his horse was fairly care-free about the obstacles in his round pen, the mare was moving everything she could with her mouth, she peed on the tarp!  lol  By the end of Friday, I thought although he was not quite as progressed with riding as the others, his horse might be the most level headed. 

He was in last place by end of night, so I was curious to see how Saturday was going to go.  As the sessions progressed on Saturday, Larry clearly was not progressing with riding his horse.  He spent very minimal time allowing his horse to get the kinks out and did not allow his horse to buck while saddled..  Good theory, poor execution. When he did finally get on, his horse walked calmly for a few minutes, then spooked and bucked him off.  He did eventually get back on and rode at the walk only, with no further incident.  But Larry had no control of his horse, you could see he had no brakes!  

The other 3 trainers by this time, were trotting and loping their horses no problem.  They could easily stop their horse and get control quick.  The old man, clearly was way behind and by the time it was time for the finale, I was quite concerned for him.  I knew he was going to get bucked off during the finale, his horse had not even trotted under saddle.  And for the finale, they utilize the entire arena, not just a small round pen.  That is a whole new story for a horse.  Larry was the first to go..  he got on his little mustang mare with no incident.  He started to walk her down the arena.  We were sitting up above the arena in the hay loft, with a very clear view of the entire arena.  He gets maybe 10 steps and this mare decides to let loose and took off at a buck down the arena wall.  At this point, she's not bucking super hard, but her head is down, he has both hands on the horn/saddle, not even trying to stop her and is hanging on for dear life.  I just saw a blank stare on his face as he passed by us.  And as he's headed down the wall, I'm thinking "bail, bail... come on dude, bail or its gonna be bad!!"

And bad it was.  His horse gets to the end of the arena, she realizes there is a wall there, takes a sharp 90 degree turn to avoid hitting it and Larry gets slammed against the wall, a very loud crash sound, he hits his head incredibly hard against the wall, falls to the ground and is not moving.  One of the guys sitting next to us, was on the ground in seconds, he jumped down to rush over and help.  Larry did not regain consciousness until the paramedics had him on a stretcher and I'm not sure he was even that conscious at that point.  He was out cold for probably a good 20 minutes or more.  The guy who jumped down, told us he had a very bad gash on his head.  

It was aweful....  I was shaking and upset, I started to tear up a bit when the paramedics showed up..  It was a bit of dejavu for me.. although they didnt ever have to make efforts to revive him, he was breathing on his own, but it was pretty traumatic.  After he was driven off by ambulance, they finished with the rest of the afternoon.  The trainers all placed in the order I thought they should have.

Kim and I drove home and texted a little later with each other.  She had to pull over driving home as she started crying.. and when I got home and was telling the story to Derek, I started crying.  It affected both of us more than we had fully realized and now realize just how terrible that felt to be there and witness that.  I feel bad for Larry, but I'm also angry at him.  I'm mad that he put himself in that position.  His horse was NOT ready to ride and he should have been a bigger person and realized the horses and his own limitations and opted out of the finale.  So either he is so naive that he didnt realize this was going to happen, or he was too proud to quit or he lacks the skills/knowledge to understand basic horsemanship.  Which he has a website, he seems to be a fairly respected trainer with his methods, he speaks and does clinics about his methods..  But the problem he neglected to see, is that his methods are geared towards long-term fixes.. not 3.5 hr horse-breaking fixes!!  I sincerely hope he is OK, it was quite possibly a career ending accident.. but I dont know.. maybe he'll walk out of the hospital and be just fine.  Either way, I really hope he learned something and will take a minute to look back and reflect on where he went wrong.  This truly was his fault, not the horses.. He did not prepare that horse for what was about to happen and had no way to control worst case scenario.  

Will I go back and watch something like this again?  Sure thing!  It was $15/day and I learned some things.  I dont think ANY horse is ready for the riding world after only 3.5hrs of training, they have a LONG ways to go from there.. but it is interesting and fun and worth the time and $.

Rollercoaster Ride

Its been a very up-down type of month+ around the Fecht Farm!  In April our club had our Inaugural Hunt Test.. couldnt have been a better weekend!  We missed the rain somehow and put on a very good weekend.  B*U*S*Y though, whew was I glad when it was over...  exhausted!  Derek was grandfathered in to our club as a Started Judge, so he judged Saturday and Sunday, he had a great time and really enjoyed it.  He has now been asked to judge for Olympic Rainshadow in a few weeks, so that is awesome..  It's not a paid job, but it shows the respect from the other clubs that think he is skilled and knowledgeable enough to judge since passing/failing dogs is a big deal..  When a dog passes, its a National Points system, so it matters!!

The weekend after our Hunt Test, we spent it out helping Whistling Wings with their test..  they were not so lucky on the weather though and it was pretty miserable at times!  And then the weekend after that, we had a training day..  I was ready for a break after a solid month of nothing but dogs!!  Cooper is progressing pretty well, we are ready to start asking more of him, although we did learn that if we work too hard and too many days, he will possibly go into shut-down mode..  I think we got a bit excited about moving forward with him and although our training sessions were short, we got a bit ahead of ourselves and Cooper proceeded to show us where we went wrong!  lol  But it's really great to have friends who see whats going on and are able to talk to us about it and help us work through this.

We have yet to get pregnant... booooo  and its not for lack of trying!  ;)  Definately that is not the problem..  Maybe trying too hard, maybe too stressed, maybe to anxious, maybe some depression, maybe timing just not quite right...  I am trying to stay positive that things will fall into place as they are meant to, but sometimes it's really hard, hence the minor depression issue!  Stress is probably the biggest factor, I need to stop and I cant figure out how..  Boeing is still the biggest issue I think because we both want it so bad for Derek and so far, nothing until now has progressed with that, except frustration.

They posted the same job he was already hired for, again in Everett.. but it appears he has to hold tight for the process and hope the computer sets him aside for an interview.. Incredibly frustrating, especially when they seem to take about 45-60 days to get to that point from date of job posting.  JUST today, he was notified that he has an interview for a Grade 5 position in Everett.  The previous job was a Grade 8.  So a big let-down as far as not getting an interview yet for the job he wants, but a big + in that he will take any job to get in the door and hope to do a transfer into the Grade 8 position.  We hear its pretty easy once you are in and they are currently hiring for Grade 8.....  So my fingers are crossed that the interview in 5 days goes well and a job is offered.  Unemployment runs out in 2 weeks..  But I will be Thankful and think positive that this is going to happen and shortly after, we will get pregnant..  cuz if we dont get pregnant this month, then I have an appointment with my Dr to discuss our options moving forward and if we need any "help" of some sort to make this happen.

Derek finally finished his dog trailer!  A lot of time and work went into it and we get many comments and questions about it when we take it to the hunt tests and practices..  Its pretty awesome.  Ellie has decided though, that when Cooper gets to go places, she should get to go too and a few times she has refused to get back in the gate when we're getting ready to leave with Cooper.. so she's been a bit of a tagalong lately, but the trailer works great for that!

Edgar came back home to us..  Didnt work out with Amber.. He was actually great, but she was riding 2-4hr trail rides 3-4times a week and he just was not staying sound at all from that..  too much!  :)  So I'm now in search of a new home for him, hoping to find the right situation.  He is such an awesome horse, I really do hate to let him go, but I cant afford to keep him year round and I'd rather see him used than sitting doing nothing.

I'm still swimming 3 days a week, well when its not "shark week".. that's what Derek calls it, that week where women should stay out of swimming pools!  :)  I think I'm finally starting to get a grasp on getting back into Weight Watchers, mentally..  I've been back in since November and have not progressed.. Oh I've gained some, then lost some.. but still within 2 pounds of where I started back then..  :(  But I think my depression is subsiding and my motivation to continue on the right track is gaining, therefore I think I'm starting to head towards loosing again.. weight that is!  Still have this hurdle of getting to the 60lb loss to conquer, but I'm closer than ever before.  I think once I cross over that, I'll be on my way.

Consumed by the news

These days I spend my days waiting for news conferences (every day at 9 and 6) since the landslide that happened up in Oso.  I first received notice of the slide via my phone, as it warned me of a flood watch for that area due to a slide.  I couldnt comprehend how a little bit of dirt could clog the entire river.. surely the river was strong enough to quickly wash it away.

It wasnt until we got home and turned on the news that we discovered it was a mile-long clog of the river, in an area where 30+ buildings and homes existed.  There are no more homes, no more structures.  This slide was amazing.  I am intrigued by mother nature and the power and destruction it can cause.  I certainly feel pain and sadness for ALL the lives that have been lost and the family and friends and community surrounding this tragedy.  I feel compelled to watch any updates I can, to learn more, see more, hear more...  If I could go up and help and volunteers were needed, I honestly think I would strongly consider it.  But they have plenty of help.  I think it will take months to recover the bodies, 6 days later and I feel it is pretty hopeless that any survivors will be found, although miracles can happen.  There are 16 reported deaths confirmed, 25 bodies recovered (waiting to officially identify those 9 before reporting) and potentially 125 cases of people missing!  This landslide has the potential to be the deadliest natural disaster in WA State history (worst was in 1910 when the town of Wellington WA was caught up in a major avalanche killing 96 people.  There had been a terrible snow storm for days, 2 trains were held up in this town waiting for it to pass, when this avalanche happened just below the current Stevens Pass Resort).  And this landslide also is working its way to becoming one of the deadliest in the United States.

Before and After..  although the yellow line on the far right I believe is incorrect as the slide appears to have take away a lot more of that hillside than indicated in the drawing.  And whats hard to comprehend too is that this is a mile long blockage.. pictures make it seem much smaller than reality.

Should be an interesting time over the next few months as bodies are recovered.  My only hope is that they can find/recover them all.  In a weird kind of way, I look forward to going up to this area when this is all settled and time has moved on, to see first hand the devastation so close to home.  This is in reality only about 45 minutes from our home.  No where near danger and I am thankful to live on a flat piece of property..  Derek has family up in that area, about 2 miles or so down river from this, but not in any real danger.

When I lay down at night, or sit and watch tv, I try to think about and appreciate all that I have and how quickly it could go away.  I've tried to imagine the feeling of that moment when the mountain came down upon those helpless people..  I choke up a lot when watching the reports, more so as the days go on and you can see the strain this is taking on all those involved in getting a handle on the situation.  As their voices crack on the tv, my eyes shed small tears.  The fire chief of Arlington is a friend.. not a current friend, but someone I met when I was about 18, someone Derek grew up, I spent weekends chatting and hanging out with him (back in my cruising Marysville days) and even spent an evening with Derek & him at his family cabin out of Granite Falls.  Its inspiring to see someone so young as the chief who appears to be handling this situation very well, but it is sad too as I have a personal connection to him and seem to feel more sadness when I watch him dealing with this.

Not sure when/if the novelty of the situation will wear off on me..  I just feel compelled to take it all in.  When 911 happened, Derek & I lived in Marysville and did not have TV.  It was a luxury we thought we didnt need and yeah, 90% of the time we probably dont need it.  But after that tragedy happened, it took a week to get TV hooked up and I told myself I would do what I could to never go w/o again..  because of situations like this.  That need to stay involved by getting educated by the news and reports.  In times like this, I am glad to be able to afford the tv to stay informed and then have the senseless shows to take me out of reality and just spend some time laughing and letting go for even just an hour.

I'm feeling free..

Finally feeling the weight of responsibilities rolling off...  over this past weekend our dog club had our annual meeting so I was finally set free from my secretary responsibilities for that club and our new horse club treasurer seems to have a good grasp on the job, so other than a little consulting here/there for the treasurer and helping out in other areas with the dog club, I now am no longer holding any club positions!!  Yeah!!  Feels pretty darn good too...  Its been a very long time.

I did finally start swimming in the mornings at the new pool... and never went back for afternoons!  Felt bad for ditching my friend who had got me started, but the pool is just WAY too crowded in the afternoons and I'm not able to get in a good workout/swim trying to dodge 200 teenagers.  So I swim M/W/F mornings for almost an hour, am able to get in laps and walking the river, and I LOVE LOVE it!!  I dont mind getting up in the mornings an hour early to do so, I just do it.. I've been going in the mornings for almost a month now, my body is still getting used to it but I can feel my sore muscles throughout the day..  I'm pushing myself and not just lazily swimming along.  Dont get me wrong, I do take breaks as I can only do about 2-3 laps at a time and then I rest for about 30 seconds then do a different type of stroke..  But before I could only barely do 2 before my arms were too tired to finish that lap.

I've also now started walking on the days I dont swim.  I've gotten Derek motivated to get out with me, so we walk T/Th evenings.  Even walked in the rain this past Sunday morning and yesterday we went for a 90 minute hike at Lords Hill with a friend.  Really enjoying it and for the first time ever, really wanting to get out and do this and not allowing my lazy brain to take over.  If I eat poorly, I want to walk it off and feel bad when I dont have the opportunity to do so.  I was on a 3 week loosing streak at WW and finally got back down to the weight I was back in Nov....  But then last week I gained a little..  frustrating, but I'm fairly certain I will loose this week.. I've been active 9 of the last 10 days, pushing myself, eating pretty good (not perfect), but I feel it in my waist, so although I may not be pounds down from November, I've definately lost another inch or more in my waistline..

So I'm staying positive and continuing to work hard.  I'm relieved a little that I'm leasing Hula out right now and not focused on riding as it is allowing me the time I need to focus on myself.  I really need a guilt free mindset to work hard at this, so not feeling responsible for riding and grooming her is kinda nice.  Poor girl though, I had to tell Suzi to start coming over daily and brushing her because she is shedding really badly so she's been itching on anything she can get her big butt on!  Unfortunately it was a t-post yesterday.. she bent the t-post over and then proceeded to back into it and tried to scratch.. She failed and instead drove the tip of the t-post into her buttcheek pretty badly.  I called Suzi over to the house to help deal with it and proceeded to make her aware of the fact that she had just spent time brushing Hula a short while earlier and completely missed seeing it!  Hopefully Suzi learned a lesson and realizes she needs to do a better job of looking over the horse and ensuring she's not got injuries.. It was a pretty big cut for her to miss.. Yes it was on her buttcheek under her tail, however there was blood running down her leg, and she has white legs!  I cleaned it up really well and will do so daily until it starts to heal...  I didnt feel a vet call was necessary, as they would probably just add a few stitches and its not in an area that matters if it scars..  She is definitely sore, but I'm pretty confident we can keep this vet-free.

Still working hard on the baby-making process... still no news.

And no change on the jobs status for Derek.  Boeing has not called back; however, he is set up to take an academical test for the electrical union in about 2 weeks.  Once he passes that, then he should get called in for an interview and then hopefully job placement...  Fingers crossed as his unemployment runs out the end of April and there are no extensions...  things will work out... things will work out... things will work out...  :)

Edgar's New Home

A couple days ago, we moved Edgar up to his new home, with one of my best friend's Amber!  It took some convincing to talk Amber into taking him, I really felt he was the perfect horse for what she needed right now, but she was concerned about his Age and his Soundness issues..  I didnt want to be the pushy friend trying to "dump" my horse on her, as that is NOT what I was doing, I wanted her to really know I was thinking of her and her family.

She decided to give it a go, but wanted a pre-purchase vet check.  No problem..  She paid to have one done, and he passed pretty well.  Vet said he was a little under weight (I HATE when that happens) and not in working condition (which I knew obviously) but that his heart seemed good, he was a little wormy, he passed the lameness/stress test better than I expected him to and he only showed minor lameness in his rear right hock.  I didnt expect that, so that was good.  Vet actually said with the type of arthritis that he seemed to show, keeping him in working condition is far better for him than just sitting.  Music to Amber's ears!

After the vet visit, we hauled him to her place and he seemed content and happy in his new surroundings, even managed to get a nice roll in the soft dirt!

This is his new human best friend Natalie!  She was very excited and I see many happy days for those 2.

 This is his new pasture mate best friend June Bug!  She's a little doll, a mini mare I helped find for Amber I think about 18 months ago or more...  Super sweet little thing

And cute as a button!!

I'm excited for Edgar, Amber & her girls (Natalie & Serena).  He will be worked often, loved on daily, well fed (unlike the last gal I tried giving him to) and overall a happy awesome life ahead for him.  Its been a bit of a drama filled few weeks with Suzi (who was leasing him at our house) as she's struggled with letting go of Edgar and to her, its like her world was shattered into pieces.. I have to remind myself she is a kid and although I'm happy about this change, she is devastated.  But she did make this choice and it was the right choice as he was no longer suitable for her needs and Amber's family is a much better fit at this time in his life.  :)  

Crazy Train

Feels like we've been on a crazy ride the past few weeks...  Just when you think you are track A, life moves you to track B!

Derek was working hard on his math class.  He took a week-long break to help out at the Sportsman Show a few weeks ago and was nearing completion just a week ago.  He finally finished his last chapter (20 total) and after a few days, took the test..   83.6% I think it was..  AWESOME POSSUM!  I was really proud of him for finishing the class within a 5 week window basically.

We've been working hard at the whole baby-making process too..  Derek caught a cold and often was feeling crappy, he was tired from studying, stressed about life, but I had him on a 36hr schedule, whether either of us wanted to or not..  LOL    Not sure if it has paid off yet, the hard work that is, but it's possible!  We have mixed feelings about being too excited, we want to..  just a little unsure since we really are not going to be ready to spread the good news until we have confirmation of a healthy viable pregnancy..  So that's still a few months out from now.  We talk about it daily though, hoping that I am and even wishing for twins!

I have started swimming at the new pool in Snohomish.  My friend Angela has invited me to go with her on Mon and/or Wed nights.. It is BUSY, packed, crowded, full of teenagers, but its been nice and a great workout that is low-stress on my body but really good for me as well.  I hope to continue to swim, might even go in the mornings 3-4 days a week before work.  They have this really cool river that you can walk against the current on, good times!  My WW has been very up/down.  I was looking back and since I re-started in Oct, I've only lost 5 pounds in 4 months..  :(  But I had a lot of stress, depression and holidays to get through in this 4 months so I'm trying to not feel too disappointed about it.  I feel like I'm getting back on track and making better decisions, so I hope that continues.  I need to keep loosing and get out of this rut.

Over the past few months, Derek had been gearing up to start his new career as an electrician.  He purchased supplies, tools, took the math class, research and more to prepare himself.  He had every intention of leaving painting in the dust and moving on...  UNTIL....  Boeing had to go and finally consider him for a job as a Finish Painter..  He got the call 2 weeks ago that they wanted him to come in for an interview last week.  The interview was at 6:45am in Everett, it lasted exactly 30 minutes and Derek left there more stressed and anxious about how it had gone, than ever before!  In the past he was always fairly confident he had gotten the job if not had it already been offered to him on the spot.  And he did ALWAYS get the job in the past.  But this interview was different, the formality of it all, the lack of ability for Derek to connect with the interviewer or to sell himself on his abilities and skills, cut and dry - to the point.. that was his experience.  So we spent the next 24 hours stressed I guess you could say because he realized just how badly he wanted this job!  It would mean stability, steady work, a GREAT company to work for, great benefits, close to home and good pay migrating into great pay down the road.  The drawbacks:  It would mean we would be tied to the area for his career and he would likely be on Swing shift.

We worked it out in our heads though that moving is always something we can still consider down the road.  And if Derek is making better $ then it would be easier to afford to go do the things we had wanted to move closer to.  Also swing shift was another obstacle..  but we can find a way to make it work..  All contingent on getting offered the job of course.  We spent 24 hours worried and stressed about it and sure enough, the streak continues..  Derek is incapable of going for an interview and not getting the job!!!  :)  Yippy...  They did make an offer!!

I was excited, I was shaking.  I am so excited and happy for Derek.  I know he planned to get away from painting, BUT I also know a BIG part of that decision was due to the industry in our area and the employers.. not necessarily the job.  The companies in our area have all banned together to hire asshole bosses, dipshit foremen and dumbass supervisors..  lol   Boeing is not like these other shops in the area, so this should be a really great career move and decision for Derek.  There is a light at the end of this track, and it will be a 5 year process to get all the way to the light, but its worth it.

And then 24 hours later the kick to the gut came when Boeing called to say that they did not have authorization to make the hires for the job, so they had to withdraw their offer!  Happy F*ing Valentines to him (yep that was Valentine's day that they called).  Which made for a very somber evening filled with depression, disbelief, frustration...  There was no indication that they would be hiring anytime soon.  The good news:  He had already submitted his drug test earlier in the day, so his drug-free clearance will stay on record for 6 months and we found out today, that they are continuing with the background check as we have to verify employment for one of his previous employers.   What that means.. who knows!  What we hope that means...  that he will be at the top of the list when they do get authorization and will still re-offer him the job in the NEAR future..  but not holding our breath.

Either way.. I'm So Proud of my husband!!

Again, my apologies..

I feel pretty busy and seems like a lot is going on, but whenever someone asks me about life these days, I have no idea what we've been up to!  lol

The first Sunday in January, we spent the day in Vancouver BC.  Well not quite the entire day!  My 40th Birthday present (from back in Oct), the day had finally arrived!!  We were headed up to see the Cavalia production of Odysseo.  Since it was for a special occassion and we both needed something fun, special, amazing and relaxing to do, to bring in the new year, we spent the money for the good seats!  I wanted front row, center stage seats and the only way to do that is to go VIP.  It was a great experience!!  We were served a delicious brunch 1.5hrs before the show started with all you can eat and drink.  During intermission, we also were treated to all you can eat dessert buffet.. we did not leave there hungry!  And the show..  well it was nothing less than amazing and beautiful!  As a VIP, we also were allowed to tour the barn/stables, which was not too exciting for us, we see horses in their stalls every day.. but we did walk through and enjoyed the whole experience..  Would love to be able to afford VIP every time they come to town!

Pictures are not allowed during the show, but here are a few from their website and a glimpse of what we experienced.

 

 

 

 

Our Hunting Retriever Club has been getting more active as the new year starts, so that's taken up some of our time.  A couple meetings and then a day of sewing!  We had to work on building some holding/winger blinds so we spent 8 hours last weekend working on them.. We had 16 blinds to finish, we got probably 75% of it done!  

I've handed over about 90% of the Cascade Horse Club treasurer responsibilities now, planning to hand over the rest of it tonight!  Whoohoo..  really glad to be done with that for a while.  Although I will still advise when I am needed.  

We had decided a while back that we didnt want to have any horse expenses this year, with the career change and baby-making plans, so we gave Suzi the option to pick which horse she'd like to lease for the year.  She decided Hula was the better option for her moving forward, which I feel is best as well.  Suzi now wants to lope a lot and really push the horses more and herself more, Edgar just will not hold up for that.  So we are giving him to my friend Amber.  He is the perfect safe family horse for her and her girls.  Natalie is 7 and Serena is 3 and he will take care of them!  Hula will be more challenge for Suzi as she is not quite as laid back as Edgar, but shes still an awesome horse and will force Suzi to learn how to ride even better.  Ive ridden Hula twice in the past week and I sure am enjoying it!  She could use a major refresher and I'd like to do it, but not sure that is feasible right now.  I may try to haul her out to ride a few times a week to get her going and back on track..  we will see.

Derek's been busy working on his math class every day and working in the shop.  He's converting the paint booth over to a wood shop and he is really enjoying his time out there building new things!  He did this window wrapping for our living room and will eventually do all the windows & doors.

Slowly we work on getting things done around the house.. slowly.  But its coming along.  Derek hopes to get this math class squared away by about mid Feb I think it is..  Then he'll be able to move forward into finding a job as an apprentice..  

He also built this awning over the shop door, since we lost our gutters a few years ago to a heavy snow, he was tired of getting soaked as he unlocked the shop!

This week he's been down at the Sportsman Show in Puyallup all week.  Pat Murphy manages the property where we hold our training days and he got a double booth down there, so Derek is there to help Pat out and promote Pat's business's, as well as educate people about our club too.  He took Cooper yesterday for the day and felt a little bad, because no one was paying attention to Pat's lab dogs he had down there, that are champion hunting dogs..  everyone wanted to know about Cooper!!  LOL

Derek has met quite a few people, starting to make some connections and even helped confirm for 2 different people that the Boykin was the breed for them.  One guy from MT has been researching them; he and his family had determined they wanted a Boykin, but they had never seen one in person, so after a few minutes with Cooper, they were sold and are now even more excited to find a dog!!   Cooper came home exhausted..  long day.  He'll be staying home the rest of the week/weekend so Derek can focus more on helping Pat and less on showing off our awesome Coopey Dog!  :)

Baby-Making Status:  It has now been 3 months and my 3rd cycle is currently in progress, which means my body should be good to go.  It has been a loooong 3 month wait...  I am fairly certain I suffered from some depression during that time as I felt on the verge of tears on many occasions and was irritable..  finally one day I just realized I was most likely depressed.  I didnt call my doctor as I had a feeling that I just needed to get through this month and get myself pregnant again!  So we'll be working on that and hope to be sooner than later and I'm back to normal as I'm only crying when I watch movies with emotional scenes!  lol

Love my Family

Nothing reminds you how much you love your family until a new member is added!  We got the call Monday late afternoon that Andrea's water had broken..  We decided to stay home until she was further along, which meant getting a 3:45am wake up call to head to the hospital.  An hour after we got there, she started pushing and 2 hours later at 7:20am on Tues Dec 17th, baby Tucker James Johnson was born  :)  6lbs 12oz, 18" long.

And he is perfect!  Beautiful precious baby.  Mom and Debbie were practically pacing the waiting room area like momma hens who's babies were suddenly out of sight!  Mom kept trying to hear things by pressing her ear against the door.

I'm anxious already to watch this little guy grow up and to just be around him and love on him..  wanted to hug and squeeze and kiss him all over, but I restrained myself.  Besides, I'll let him get a fresh bath in before I'm kissing anyone else's baby the day it is born!  lol

I was experiencing some feelings of annoyance and irritation at times throughout the wee early hours of the morning.. not sure if it was lack of sleep or my own hormones reacting in a weird way or a subconscious feeling or sense about myself from our own experiences this year in trying to have a baby.

No matter how I'm feeling, nothing takes away from the excitement and joy of holding my first ever nephew!!  I'm so thankful to have a job and boss that allows for last minute call-ins so I can be with my family as we celebrate the arrival of Baby Tucker.

A new road..

Derek and I are venturing down a brand new road..  we have no idea where we will end up, and only a little bit of an idea on what to expect, but we are taking it..  It's the road to a much happier and healthier career for Derek!  He's been wanting to change careers for many years now, just never sure what field to move into, what road was going to work to get there, how to make it happen financially.. so many questions and never the answers.  Until now!

We still don't have all the answers, but a clear direction has been laid out and Derek will be working towards becoming an Electrician.. which means a 2 yr apprenticeship to become a residential journeyman and then another 2 yr apprenticeship to become a commercial journeyman, as well as 4 years worth of schooling thrown in there as well..  A long road, but it will be worth it all.  There is just no stability in the painting field in our area, no room for advancement into management and it's just not healthy to be breathing in fumes all day.

I never imagined that we would be 40, starting a family and starting over in a career path!  lol  All I can do is laugh because it may not be the picture of perfection I would have envisioned, but funny enough.. it is perfect!  It will be a tough road, the apprentice electricians make about 25% less than he was making as a painter... yikes..  But we will make the sacrifices and decisions necessary to make it happen, as well as having a GREAT family support system that will help us get through this and provide us the support we will need there to start our own family.

I'm super proud of Derek, he made this decision and he is happy!  I can see the tension and stress lifted from him, and although this comes with its own stresses, we both know it leads to better security and stability for ourselves and our coming family.  Derek is dedicated to make this happen, he's purchased the tools necessary, is taking the practice tests needed to move forward, researching the options and jumping in with both feet.  I know he can and will make this happen and I'm excited to watch him grow, learn and become an awesome electrian!!  A happy husband makes for a happy wife  :)

15%

I decided in order to get my head back in the weight loss game, I needed to restart weight watchers!  I had been debating when to officially get that ball rolling, when I received a promotional email from ww, offering me 1/2 off my first 3 months if I joined now.. so I did!  :)  What a deal...  lol

Last week I attended my first meeting.  At the hospital the morning of my surgery, I had been weighed, so I had a decent idea of where I was at.  But it had been 11 days, I was not eating really good (mind you Halloween had just come/gone a few days earlier.. so I was expecting to be up maybe 5 pounds..  I mean typically you weigh the least at 5:30 in the morning compared to 6pm in the afternoon.  Weight can/will fluctuate by a few pounds throughout the day.  So when I stepped on the scale, I was hoping to be down a total of 50 pounds, was crossing my fingers I was not down any less than 48..  But reality was that I was down 55.2 pounds!!  Holey Moley..

Whoohoo was how I felt..  Somehow I continue to loose a little bit of weight even when I'm not trying very hard.  Derek says my metabolism is kicked in, my body is working for me and not against me and is learning how to digest properly etc..  Whatever the case.. it's awesome!    It was really nice to see a few familiar faces at the meeting, and they were friendly and welcomed me warmly.  Only 1 person in my meeting knew why I had left and she didnt ask.  The check-in gals knew why I had left as well, and they didnt ask either..  just smiled and one welcomed me with a hug!  :)

This past week, I was not tracking very well..  being lazy about that and although I'm making much better choices than a year ago, still not making great choices.  Amazingly I was down another .6 pounds!  What is going on.  The awesome part of that is that I have now lost a total of 15% exactly from my starting point..

I can see it in my face for sure..  I dont see it at all when I look at myself naked from my neck down in the mirror!!  lol   I feel it in my waist when I put on my super duper baggy jeans and I can tell when the dog gets in my lap for loving, because there is now a lap and room for him to actually sit!  hehe  I've been debating when to purchase new pants, there are some shirts I no longer wear because they are way too big, but for the most part my shirts are all still acceptable.  My jeans are so baggy that I can hardly stand to wear 1/2 of them because I constantly have to pull them up every 5 feet, literally!  The other day at the grocery store, I had to pull them up to my boobs just to get them to stay up..  of course this was under my shirt!  lol

9 years ago when we lived with my parents while we were searching for a house to buy, I had asked for some Wranglers and received 2 pairs.  They were the exact size I had asked for, but they ran a little small in the waist for some reason and never did fit.  I was embarrassed and never did tell my mom as I didnt want her to have to buy me larger sizes..  so I kept the jeans hanging in my closet for 9 years, wondering IF I would ever fit in them.  A month ago I tried to put them on and it was not happening.  3 days ago I tried again..  I fit in these damn jeans finally!!!  What an awesome feeling that was..  so I now have jeans that dont make me feel ugly because they are so big, my ass is tight in them and not droopy, I can see that my legs look skinnier in them, and I feel good.  I know I have a super long ways to go..  but I'll keep pluggin along on this lifelong journey to a healthier me!

Moving Forward

A big weight has been lifted from my life..  For 26 days, we knew our pregnancy was over, yet we were unable to move forward physically or emotionally due to the time constraints of the process we had to endure.  Probably the most difficult 26 days of my life.  This post is more of a diary type entry than a blog one, but it's the reality of our life right now and no sense hiding it.

After the DNA test indicated Downs, we had to wait until I was 16wks pregnant to go in for the Amnio test.  That was Oct 18th.  The test itself was okay.  I was very nervous about it, who wants a long needle puncturing their belly, sounded painful.  It was a tiny bit painful and the process took about 5 minutes.  Derek was there with me.  We both ended up looking at the ultrasound, something I thought we both might try to avoid.  Why would I want to see my baby?  But to avoid looking would be an attempt to avoid reality and I couldn't live with that.  I needed to face this and deal with the entire process.  I did not however watch the ultrasound as the needle was inserted, and that had nothing to do with baby, and more to do with my own desire to not see the needle!

Over that weekend, we spent some time with friends on Saturday and when we got home found an anonymous package in our mailbox.  Someone attempted to trick us into thinking the package had been mailed, but it was obvious that it was personally delivered to our mailbox.  It was a note that said "Before decisions are made, Read these stories" and there was a Christian based book about Special Needs Children and how they are God's Gift.  Or something along those lines.  The book went straight to the garbage.. it came out then back in, then out then finally back in the garbage as we tried to analyze the handwriting, stamps, the note etc..  In general, it created a lot of hurt anger and pain for us.  Someone clearly did not understand us at all, did not have the courage to talk with us or stand behind their beliefs and hid behind this book and being anonymous.  We only told a small handful of people the reality of what was happening and that person did not respect us enough to have a discussion or talk with us.  Or maybe it was someone that read my blog.  We were very angry and upset about it, but have found a way to move past it.  I sincerely hope I never find out who it was at this point, because I would deeply struggle with wanting anything to do with them if I found out who they were.  I expected people would have differing opinions, I expected some would not agree and feel strongly about it, but I didn't expect any of our friends or family would be so cold and insensitive to us.  Our generic description that most people received from us was simply our way of getting it out there, but anyone that has asked us what happened with our pregnancy, we have been straight forward with, open and honest.

We have spent the entire past 26 days grieving and coping with the loss of this pregnancy.  We have talked about it daily.  Although we stand firm behind our decision and knew it was the right decision, it does not make it an easy thing to go through and we still had to learn how to cope with it all.  We are strong, we have grown stronger together and I feel more love towards Derek every day.  This process did not spread us apart, it has pulled us closer and we found positive ways to work through it all, but we still had weak moments, we still had bad days..  not for the decision but for the loss of our child.

With all that anonymous stress on our shoulders, we then had a birthday dinner on Sunday evening with some of my family.  It was a nice break from the long weekend we had been dealing with.  On Monday morning I received the call from the Amnio Test and Downs was confirmed.  :(  We knew it was coming, so I was not upset all over again.  I spent the day waiting to then hear from the UW with the plans on moving forward with the termination.  The call finally came in around 4:30 and the gal indicated I would be coming down on Wed the 23rd for a visit with the Dr for a consultation, then 24th for family history and a visit with the social worker, then surgery on Friday 25th.

I was a bit overwhelmed at that moment because this was all going to start happening in just 2 days!  I didnt anticipate it to go so quickly.  I felt a surge of emotion come over me and I took a few minutes to just cry to myself as reality once again was sinking in.  I had planned to take the next day off from work (my 40th Birthday!) and spend it to myself, just hanging out being lazy around the house, relaxing and enjoying me-time.  But plans had to change and I decided to go to work on my birthday since I would be taking 1/2 day Wed, all day Thurs and all day Friday off work.

My birthday was uneventful.  Derek was awesome and brought home the exact dinner I had wanted, BLT's!  :)  He didnt enjoy it as much as I did, but I really appreciated the effort and sacrifice he made to just have a nice relaxed evening at home with him.  And he found me an amazing card that just fit so perfectly for how we both feel right now.

Wednesday, mom went with me down to the UW for my consultation.  I didnt want Derek to have to take time off work for that, so she joined me.  It was a good thing she was there.  I had no idea I would be having any medical procedure done that day.  It was a long afternoon of waiting and waiting and finally getting to see the Dr and get some questions answered.  I was informed they would be inserting the dilation straws that day so that my body would have about 36 hours to get ready for Friday.  If they could get enough straws in that day, I would not have to come back the next day and they would have a social worker call me so I wouldnt have to drive back down at all on Thursday.

I dont know what to say about the dilation insert process except that it was the most painful experience of my life.  I had NO idea that much pain and discomfort would be happening.  It lasted about 30 minutes and my body immediately went into severe cramping mode when it was finished.  I was very thankful to have someone with me to drive me home, as I was barely able to walk to the car and then continued to cramp severely for the next 14 hours.  I should have taken the Oxy prescription that was provided for after the surgery, but instead stuck with the Ibuprofen they provided, which seemed to do very little to help out!  I spent most of the day Thursday lounging around, just trying to stay comfortable as the pain slowly eased up by the hour after I woke that morning.  By this time, I was quite nervous about Surgery, thinking if this is the pain from the dilation process, how bad will surgery be.

Friday morning, we were at the hospital at 5:10 am, there was a line to check in and were escorted back to the pre-op room at about 5:35.  Derek was with me the entire time as they prepped me and we were successful at staying positive and light hearted and almost all smiles that morning.  I did have a couple momentary almost panic moments where I was flooded with emotion and on the verge of bawling, I was a little scared about the process and the thought of going under..  But I kept my emotions under control and smiled through it.  The staff was all very nice.  They gave me the amnesia drug, Derek left the room, within a few minutes they wheeled me back to the surgery room and last I remember really is arriving at the surgery room.  I then came back to reality as I was wheeled into the post-op room and was awake within a few seconds.  No groggy-ness at all.  I was surprised at how awake I felt.  Apparently they only put me under a heavy sedation for the surgery and with the amnesia drug, I dont recall a thing.  I was feeling no pain, I was comfortable and almost immediately felt relief it was over.

Derek was back in with me within a few minutes of waking up and we spent another 30 minutes or so in that room.  I then was cleared for departure, changed back into my clothes and we went home.  I think we were home by 11am.  I took 2 Oxy pills that day, just because.  I am not sure I needed them, but wanted to be safe, not sorry about any upcoming pain.  I felt no pain, hardly any cramping either.  I was mobile that day, although minimally for Friday and Saturday as I was still bleeding and the more I moved, the more I bled.  I gave Derek permission to go hunting on Saturday and was able to take care of myself that day.  By Sunday I was still feeling good and was able to go to my parents house for the baby shower mom and I had planned for Andrea.  When we planned the shower date, we had no idea I would be having surgery 2 days prior, it just worked out that way.  But I was able to enjoy myself at the shower, minimal bleeding that day, no pain and we had a great time.   Emotionally I was OK.  It was a little hard at times when I wanted to pipe in and make a comment about our future pregnancy, but I didnt want to create any awkward moments, so didnt say anything about our future baby.  It was a day about Andrea and not about me.  I'm most certain that only moms family was aware of the surgery and that dad's family had no idea.

Emotionally...  I am fine.  I immediately felt relief and that a huge stress had been lifted.  It was impossible to move forward prior to this surgery, but I now feel we can stop dwelling on the past and what was, and think about what will be.  We are sad, hurt and upset but we are ready to think about the future.  It feels a bit weird to feel "fine", I wonder if I should be more sad or depressed and feel some guilt about not being more upset right now, but I then realize I've had 26 days to deal with the loss and accept this loss.  I feel as though Friday 25th was just a technicality and that the real loss happened on Sept 30th.

Today is Tuesday, I have very minor bleeding, I'm getting motivated to start getting my house back under control, my energy is coming back a bit more every day, unfortunately so is my appetite!!  I need to get that under control sooner than later as I think I am down about 55 pounds right now, do NOT want to blow that.  So I will be rejoining WW probably next week to stay on track.  I am feeling the urge to start working on the next baby, unfortunately we have to wait  :)  Its going to be a long couple months waiting.... I am ready to jump in and get started!

Riding

I've been avoiding my blog for a while, be we have had some positive experiences this past month, I just was not in the mood to post about it.  On Oct 13th, I hauled Hula and Edgar out to Sultan to ride in a Benefit Trail Challenge.  I had been hearing of this trail coarse for a while, and finally had the opportunity to go.

I was so proud of Suzi, she took 1st place out of 6 in her youth division!!  She was shocked..  I was not surprised at all, Edgar is the man!  This past weekend Suzi took Edgar to a 4H Fall show and took 1st place in the trail class as well for her Novice Sr Division!!  I dont know how many kids she competed against, but I am super proud of her.  She opted not to do the other riding classes that day as Edgar was having some arthritis issues and she did not want to hurt him.

On the day of the benefit show, I rode Hula in the Novice Division and although we did not place, we did score 86/100..  which was pretty good I thought!

I really enjoy Hula, she's been a pretty solid horse so far.  This trail challenge was the first time I had been on since the ladies ride in August.  Felt good to ride, but I was a bit sore the next day.  Since I was still pregnant during this ride, my hips and crotch area decided they were not real happy about it and made me realize in the future, that riding while pregnant is best not to be done.  I haven't had a chance to ride since this benefit show, but intend to get back in the saddle very soon.

Love & Support

I've been avoiding this post...  first because I wanted a chance to be sure family understood what was happening and then also because, it's not something positive to write about...

3 weeks ago we went in for the Ultrasound/DNA test that would determine if there were any problems with the baby..  Downs in particular was my biggest concern.  Being almost 40, I knew the risks going in were about 1/110 for our baby to develop Downs.  There are other genetic problems the DNA test looks for, but those are not as common and were not on my radar.  There was a lot of anticipation and worry waiting those 11 days until I finally got the call.

Monday morning, Sept 30th I got the call and our baby was confirmed positive for Downs!  We also learned our baby was a boy.  I immediately left work and went home to spend the day with Derek (who had the day off already).  We were devastated..  Both of us bawled and just sat there, not knowing what to do next and how to feel, or what to say.  Although we knew it was a possibility, we had always held hope that it would not happen to us.  Surely things were going so perfectly as it was with our pregnancy and the timing of it all, that all was going to be OK and normal.  Until reality slaps you in the face and wakes you up.  The genetics counselor at the clinic was free that afternoon, so we went to talk with her in more detail about what was happening and the next steps forward.

Derek and I both knew right away that there was no choice to make and there was only one option for moving forward.  Not a decision we thought we would have to make nor want to make, but here we are and the choice is to not keep this baby and try again.  We don't loose sleep over our decision, and we don't second guess what we have to do.  But we have lost sleep over the "loss" of our current baby.  We've lost sleep over having to give up on the dreams and thoughts and life we had envisioned for this child.  I'm not happy to make this decision, please don't make that assumption.  I'm pretty scared about the upcoming steps and procedures I now have to endure to move forward.

Derek & I are very open about it, we have no problems talking to people about it and our decision if they inquire.  We talk daily with each other about it, as we still have to cope with loosing our first pregnancy and trying to stay positive to move forward.  We go in on the 18th for an amnio..  basically they insert a needle into my belly and withdraw fluid from inside the babies sac.  They will run tests on that fluid to confirm Downs again is detected.  The DNA test we took is 99.99% accurate with ZERO false positives reported, so there is basically no chance the initial test we took is wrong.  But for ease of mind, we will do the amnio as suggested and move forward from there.

What we are looking forward to is trying again!!  We will be meeting with my Dr this week to talk to him about whats going on and when it will be safe to try.  The sooner the better.  :)  We have realized also just how badly we want this family and a baby so we will not give up and can only hope that mother nature will be kinder to us the second time around.  We LOVE and APPRECIATE all the love and support we have felt from our family and friends during this.  My guess is moving forward, we wont be quite so quick to share the information about our pregnancy until we know we have a clean bill of health on BabyF8!!   It will be hard to contain since I still swear that time slows down when you are pregnant.

So much to Anticipate!

Time is crawling..  and it's driving me crazy!  Ever since those 2 lines formed on the stick, I am convinced time slowed to 1/2 speed.  I guess it is the anticipation of all the new things happening in our life right now and just being anxious to get there because it is so NEW & EXCITING!

Before I got pregnant I always feared the pain of labor and the pain of an epidural shot.. but now that reality is here, I could basically care less about either of those things.  I am no longer afraid of the pain because there is absolutely nothing I can do about it now, it is what it is and will be.  Now I wonder, Why was I so afraid?  Which just reassures me that the timing is right, things are working out the way it was meant to be, its all for the best.  Our lives have led us on a path to be the abnormal, odd, different couple that just waited a long time.. which is OK!  :)

6 weeks after discovering BabyF8 was in the making, we finally had our first ultrasound..  Whenever I had good days and was feeling "normal" I was constantly wondering if there was still really a baby in there and if everything was okay!  Is he/she moving..  Is this still really happening?  But once we saw our baby, a new form of reality sunk in and we were happy...  all over again!  We now feel like we are talking to "someone".  We saw a head, belly, arms and legs!  Our little BabyF8 was spread eagle, it was one of the funniest things I've seen.  Not all curled up in a fetal position.. nope not our kid.  BabyF8 was rolling around, having some fun in there.  Unfortunately the printed ultrasound did not come out as clear as it was on the screen but that image will be with me for a very long time.  I went to bed laughing, out loud, at how cute our little kiddo is.

We are exactly as far along as originally predicted.  11wks pregnant at the ultrasound, Due 3/31.  Our BabyF8 was 3.38cm long!  Which is only about 1.33 inches.  I am no longer worried so much that something is wrong when I have good days because I have seen my baby and so far so good!

Meet BabyF8

Its Starting to Sink in...

It took a couple weeks, but I'm finally able to mutter out "I'm pregnant" to people w/o feeling really awkward about it!  I still dont tell everyone I come across, they'll figure it out sooner or later..    :)

I'm definately "feeling" pregnant!  Long gone now are the days of staying up until 11pm to keep up on my weekly shows.. Heck I can barely make it to 8pm right now!  If I dont get atleast 9 hrs sleep, I'll be yawning all day and my body will really feel tired.  So my shows are falling behind and the DVR is piling up.  I want to ride, but dont find much energy to do more than want!  I am struggling to eat enough food, I know I need to be eating more, but I feel full all the time, so drinking and eating has been a chore.  I NEVER imagined I would feel that way about food!!  lol    And if I push too far beyond my "full" feeling to eat what I know I need to eat, then I hurt for hours..  and the peeing.. Oh man..  No wonder I need 9-10hrs sleep since I'm not getting solid sleep with having to pee every 1-3 hrs in the middle of the night..  lol   No denying I'm pregnant.

I guess you could say I'm lucky in that I've not had any sickness issues, but I definately have issues.  So I cant say mine are better than others cuz I feel like crap all the time and who's to say what symptoms are worse than others!  :)  Oh and did I forget to mention that I now drink twice daily a fiber supplement to keep myself regular!

One thing I will say is that I realize every day how lucky I am, because I could not ask for a better husband!  No Joking here..  Derek has been so attentive and really steps in and understands that although physically I'm not doing anything, it is hard work making this baby and he appreciates the sacrifice I am going through right now.  Any worries I may have had about the type of pregnancy husband he would be, are all 100% squashed.  I sometimes feel guilty with how well he's taking care of me, but I'm not complaining, I honestly love him more and more every day.  ;)  And I cant wait to watch him become a Daddy!

I had my first Dr appt a week ago, mostly just for history and see how I'm doing so far.  I have not met the doctor, that will come with my first ultrasound on 9/9.  Very excited for that.  Looking forward to having a better idea exactly how far along I really am.

This past weekend I went on our annual horse club Ladies Ride!  I had been looking forward to some me time, also realizing it might be my last camping trip for a while.  It rained for most of the day on Thursday when I arrived, so I set up my tarp awning first, getting drenched in the process, then sat for an hour to recover underneath!  There was only 1 other up there at the time and it was just easier to do it all myself than try to explain to someone else in the rain what I needed them to do.  Took me a few hours to get all set up, but I had a good thing going.  The rain quit that night and we were all snug and cozy.  I got in a couple 3 hr rides on Fri & Sat.  Hula was awesome!  She didnt disappoint.  Everyone seemed to like her, she got along with other horses and took care of me on the trail, cant ask for much more than that.  By Sunday, I was feeling really tired.  Got my camp packed up and headed out around 11.  Struggled a bit on the drive home, but stayed awake.  Got home and basically crashed for the rest of the day.  I had zero energy to do anything except lay on the couch and did not feel recovered until Tuesday.  This has been a very exhausting week, not sure if it was from my camping trip or just more symptoms of pregnancy fatigue kicking in.

And I've officially left WW  :(  Booooo..  Apparently they have this rule that pregnant women are not allowed to continue with their program, so I've been suspended for now.  Bummer as I really enjoyed the meetings and wanted to continue with that aspect of it.  I have not been following their point program since I discovered I was pregnant.  But I have 6 months of hard work in, I've lost 46 pounds and I dont intend on throwing that all away now.  The plan is to continue to eat healthy and since I had to give up cravings long ago, I hope to be able to hold strong when/if pregnancy cravings ever kick in!!  Baby weight is all this body plans to gain..  fingers crossed!!!

OMG... We have two lines!!

For the past couple years, Derek and I have been thinking about starting a family.  Initially considering the adoption route because over the years, I never really wanted to be pregnant.  I convinced myself that adoption was the way to go.  Realizing all along that it was my own issue and fears with being pregnant and getting fatter that was holding me back, but I was never really willing to compromise on that.  Especially after Carrie died...  No way was I going to risk dying, just to have a baby!

After the adoption classes, Derek realized it definately was not the way he wanted to start a family.  I would have considered it, but if Derek was not on board, then I had to be OK with it, because he has been OK with me not wanting to have a natural baby.  Compromise  :)  We have spent years talking about raising a kid though and what we would do differently from those that we've watched around us.  We've had 23 years together to really know and understand each other.

Almost 2 years ago I went to my Dr and she wanted to put in an IUD, mostly because my monthly "aunt" is always such a bitch to me.  But I knew right away in my head that it was not an option because there was this nagging "what if" in the back of my head....  As we went through the adoption process and over the past couple years, we've spent many long conversations about pregnancy, adoption, many hours of crying about what is the right thing to do, what do I want to do, not want to do, feeling responsible for not having a family yet.

After a few months on Weight Watchers and watching some much needed excess weight fall off, I started also letting go of some of my pregnancy fears.. slowly I was telling myself "maybe I can do this!"  I made an appointment with my Dr for my yearly exam (which was about a year over-due) and decided to talk with her about the possibility of pregnancy!  Yikes, was I really going to talk to someone other than Derek, out loud!  Seems silly I'm sure, but it was a huge step for me and very awkward to bring up..  I asked "Did I wait too long and am I too unhealthy to get pregnant?"  Dr Paulson was great and made me feel really positive about it, letting me know it was great I was loosing weight, of course I'm not too old and to just continue to loose weight while trying to get pregnant.  She set me up with an Ultrasound (just to be sure all looked ok), gave us a referral for Derek to get his swimmers counted and a referral to a OBGYN.

Wow, we are really going to give this a go!  About 6-7 weeks ago we started trying.  For the past couple weeks, almost every time I would eat, my stomach would ache like I had over-eaten.  I was feeling a bit bloated and just felt like crap after I ate any meals.  My period was 10 days late (which is NOT abnormal for me, over the years its been common for me to go 2-3 months between periods, BUT since I started loosing weight, I became "regular" again with a monthly cycle.. the biggest downfall of my weightloss!)  So anyways, I had been watching my cycles carefully because we wanted to get pregnant, so I was taking ovulation tests and it never came up positive.. damn what the heck is wrong with me!!  Confirming in my head that I was infertile or just messed up and not going to be able to easily get pregnant.

Well a week ago, I decided maybe I should take a pregnancy test.  As crappy as I had been feeling and with my late period.. maybe, just maybe....   Derek's alarm went off at about 3:30am for work that morning and I got up right away, took the test.  I had bought it the night before and was anxiously awaiting his alarm to go off so I could take it!  lol  As I sat on the toilet watching the "stick" I soon realized that 2 lines were forming... OMG!!  OMG!!!  OMG!!!!

I didnt know what to do...  Do I cry?  Do I wake up Derek?  Do I put the stick next to the toilet for him to "find"?  Do I set it on his end table?  Do I just keep pacing the bedroom wondering what the hell to do?  lol

So I opted to get back in bed, with the stick in my hand, wave it around in Derek's face as he slept and continuously say "We have 2 lines..  We have 2 lines.."  I didnt know what else to say. As he attempted to wake up, his vision was blurred by this "thing" I was waving in his face and he was completely confused about what was going on and what 2 lines I was talking about and what it all meant!!  Whew.. so I slowed down the waving of the stick, tried to hold it steady in front of him and calmly tried to utter out that 2 lines means pregnant..  and that we had 2 lines!!  He finally got it..  We spent the next 20 minutes just laying in bed, laughing off/on as I am not sure either of us knew what to say or how to feel.  Not a bad laugh, just an "I cant believe this is happening" laugh!  Who knew, that within 6 weeks of trying to get pregnant, we would be pregnant!

So here I am today, a week later and I'm a bit freaked out, still cant believe it is happening.  Yes we did want this, yes it was planned.  I just am not ready to fully accept it and comprehend what the heck is happening!   Almost everyone around us knows..  I was unable to contain nor suppress Derek's excitement..  Who am I to tell him he cant shout it out to the world..  so although I'm not quite ready to shout it out, I'm working on it.  Dont mistake that for excitement or happiness about this life changing event!!  :)  We are going to be parents...  and we'll have a damn cute kid!

Hula is Home

That had to be the longest 2 weeks....  waiting for the day I would get to go pick up my new horse!  On Thursday I emailed Garret to find out if I would need to drive to Spokane or Moses Lk to pick her up on Sunday.  He informed me he was headed to Moses on Saturday and we could meet up that day if I wanted.  Well DUH!!  Of course I would pick her up a day earlier than planned, it was like Christmas in July.  I have been so over-joyed with the thoughts of getting her.

I had my annual load of hay coming in Saturday morning.  7 tons of Orchard Grass from Yakima.  Derek had to work, so I asked Rachel's son Austin to help (he owed us a favor for hauling his car for him).  The hay guy Matt was supposed to arrive in Monroe between 7-8.  He sent me a text at 6:15 that he was in town and not to rush!  OMG...  Seriously!  Austin brought a friend along, we got to my parents at about 7 and had the hay done by 8.  Austin & his friend Noah worked pretty good and were a huge help, while Matt stacked the hay in the barn.  I like the hay, seems nice enough.

After I dropped Austin back home and picked up Rachel, we soon headed out to Moses Lake!  It was a long morning, everything kept dragging on and taking forever...  I was just so damn anxious!  We finally arrived in Moses at about 2:15.  Pulled her out of the trailer, she casually walked into my trailer and stood awesome for the next 6 hours as we ate lunch, refueled, and made the trek back home.  Pulled in the driveway at 8pm, heard a screech from across the street as the neighbor girls had been impatiently waiting for hours for the return of my rig!  When I pulled her out of the trailer, she looked up, then dropped her head to eat as the girls moved in to pet her.

She settled well, like she had lived there all her life.  I locked the pesky goats out for the night.  The next morning, I allowed the goats to come back in and fed her some hay.  She allowed the goats to stand in the tub and she quietly would eat around them.  She's not a fan yet of them rubbing against her, but in a day or two, I'm sure she will be over that.

Pulled her out Sunday afternoon to shave a bridle path in, trim her jaw whiskers and spent an hour bathing her.  She took it all in stride, never flinched much at anything, just the perfect horse!  After her bath, I walked her around the neighborhood for 30 or so minutes to dry off.  She was a bit leery out there, spooked a couple times, snorted a little..  Nothing unexpected for a horse that just went through a major life change!

Love Love my Hula Girl

I did learn a few new things about her.  Was able to email with the actual owner.  Garret is a trainer and took her on consignment basically.  The owner did inform me that she is 13, so that was a slight bummer.  But she has been used for packing in, has packed out game, used for barrel racing, trails, pulled a cart, parades and more..  Regardless of her older age, I love this Hula Girl and am excited to get out and start riding her!!!  And doesnt she clean up nice!!  :)