OMG... We have two lines!!

For the past couple years, Derek and I have been thinking about starting a family.  Initially considering the adoption route because over the years, I never really wanted to be pregnant.  I convinced myself that adoption was the way to go.  Realizing all along that it was my own issue and fears with being pregnant and getting fatter that was holding me back, but I was never really willing to compromise on that.  Especially after Carrie died...  No way was I going to risk dying, just to have a baby!

After the adoption classes, Derek realized it definately was not the way he wanted to start a family.  I would have considered it, but if Derek was not on board, then I had to be OK with it, because he has been OK with me not wanting to have a natural baby.  Compromise  :)  We have spent years talking about raising a kid though and what we would do differently from those that we've watched around us.  We've had 23 years together to really know and understand each other.

Almost 2 years ago I went to my Dr and she wanted to put in an IUD, mostly because my monthly "aunt" is always such a bitch to me.  But I knew right away in my head that it was not an option because there was this nagging "what if" in the back of my head....  As we went through the adoption process and over the past couple years, we've spent many long conversations about pregnancy, adoption, many hours of crying about what is the right thing to do, what do I want to do, not want to do, feeling responsible for not having a family yet.

After a few months on Weight Watchers and watching some much needed excess weight fall off, I started also letting go of some of my pregnancy fears.. slowly I was telling myself "maybe I can do this!"  I made an appointment with my Dr for my yearly exam (which was about a year over-due) and decided to talk with her about the possibility of pregnancy!  Yikes, was I really going to talk to someone other than Derek, out loud!  Seems silly I'm sure, but it was a huge step for me and very awkward to bring up..  I asked "Did I wait too long and am I too unhealthy to get pregnant?"  Dr Paulson was great and made me feel really positive about it, letting me know it was great I was loosing weight, of course I'm not too old and to just continue to loose weight while trying to get pregnant.  She set me up with an Ultrasound (just to be sure all looked ok), gave us a referral for Derek to get his swimmers counted and a referral to a OBGYN.

Wow, we are really going to give this a go!  About 6-7 weeks ago we started trying.  For the past couple weeks, almost every time I would eat, my stomach would ache like I had over-eaten.  I was feeling a bit bloated and just felt like crap after I ate any meals.  My period was 10 days late (which is NOT abnormal for me, over the years its been common for me to go 2-3 months between periods, BUT since I started loosing weight, I became "regular" again with a monthly cycle.. the biggest downfall of my weightloss!)  So anyways, I had been watching my cycles carefully because we wanted to get pregnant, so I was taking ovulation tests and it never came up positive.. damn what the heck is wrong with me!!  Confirming in my head that I was infertile or just messed up and not going to be able to easily get pregnant.

Well a week ago, I decided maybe I should take a pregnancy test.  As crappy as I had been feeling and with my late period.. maybe, just maybe....   Derek's alarm went off at about 3:30am for work that morning and I got up right away, took the test.  I had bought it the night before and was anxiously awaiting his alarm to go off so I could take it!  lol  As I sat on the toilet watching the "stick" I soon realized that 2 lines were forming... OMG!!  OMG!!!  OMG!!!!

I didnt know what to do...  Do I cry?  Do I wake up Derek?  Do I put the stick next to the toilet for him to "find"?  Do I set it on his end table?  Do I just keep pacing the bedroom wondering what the hell to do?  lol

So I opted to get back in bed, with the stick in my hand, wave it around in Derek's face as he slept and continuously say "We have 2 lines..  We have 2 lines.."  I didnt know what else to say. As he attempted to wake up, his vision was blurred by this "thing" I was waving in his face and he was completely confused about what was going on and what 2 lines I was talking about and what it all meant!!  Whew.. so I slowed down the waving of the stick, tried to hold it steady in front of him and calmly tried to utter out that 2 lines means pregnant..  and that we had 2 lines!!  He finally got it..  We spent the next 20 minutes just laying in bed, laughing off/on as I am not sure either of us knew what to say or how to feel.  Not a bad laugh, just an "I cant believe this is happening" laugh!  Who knew, that within 6 weeks of trying to get pregnant, we would be pregnant!

So here I am today, a week later and I'm a bit freaked out, still cant believe it is happening.  Yes we did want this, yes it was planned.  I just am not ready to fully accept it and comprehend what the heck is happening!   Almost everyone around us knows..  I was unable to contain nor suppress Derek's excitement..  Who am I to tell him he cant shout it out to the world..  so although I'm not quite ready to shout it out, I'm working on it.  Dont mistake that for excitement or happiness about this life changing event!!  :)  We are going to be parents...  and we'll have a damn cute kid!